Flashback Brazil 2014

A flashback in time when Stan the statman went jungle hopping via the 2014 World Cup in Brazil the trunk call was received, “Stan, it’s Roy Hodgson I’m in Manaus, Brazil, jungle hopping in preparation for the World Cup, can you come.” Stan immediately hit the high road to Rio on Roy’s invitation, the jungled city of Manaus was the host city for England’s World Cup match v Italy.

After a long flight, Stan arrived in Rio, Brazil to the sounds of the Samba, no Pele to greet Stan, just Stan’s tour guide, “Where’s Rio?” No Rio Ferdinand here Stan, just the road to Rio. Some hours later Stan arrived at team England’s HQ, in Rio, a one night booking was the order of the night. Stan was led into the Three Lions private room where a crested mattress was laid on the floor, Stan enquired, “It’s for Ashley Young to practice his penalty box diving.” replied the tour guide. A small room was set aside for the Roon (Rooney) to have a sneaky fag with an array of pre-tournament labelled non fattening meat pies for the Roon to digest. An area for an interpreter was also set in place to dilute Stevie ‘Gs’ Gerrard Scouse accent for the post match interview. A shelf full of anti-dandruff shampoo was on show for Joe Hart’s locks and a gripe machine for Gary Neville.

The next day Stan set off on the four hour flight to Manaus for the anticipated ‘rumble in the jungle’ England v Italy. Stan headed for some jungle hopping with the host stadium within a monkey’s leap of a distance. Into the jungle went Stan, Roy Hodgson immediately spotted Stan “Hey, Stan, it’s too bloody hot here, oh, for those air conditioned stadiums in guitar”, “No Roy, it’s Qatar” Roy responded, “I cannot play the old buggers (ageing England players) in this heat!”

During a post match interview following England’s dreaded World Cup draw, Roy offended the Manaus Mayor with his comments. Roy went into his sheep routine, “Mayor, Mayor, sod the Mayor, Roy blurted, sod the Mayor, the heat is driving me crazy Stan, I’m a celebrity, get me out of here.” Roy said his goodbyes as he departed to the bowels of Manaus for a massage, “Be careful Roy, don’t do a Sven-Goran Eriksson”. Stan then headed for the host stadium. A tour followed of team England’s dressing room with an array of sick bowls for the expected heat deluge, sickness in abundance. Roy’s three crested lions match jacket was proudly on show with perforated holes to alleviate Roy’s sweat glands, Stan noticed the notice board, “The players will have a five minute break during the match, after thirty minutes to allow for an intake of fluids.” symbol of FIFA. Stan decided to reveal Roy’s game plan, a large intake of the Australian Castlemaine XXXX will be administered to the team during this break (the Aussies are good at something then!) as Roy previously stated, “It will sweat the heat out of the players” good thinking Roy? Stan was them led onto the pitch, wow, great stadium, come on England, Stan sat in the technical dugout area, moment of the dream world came over Stan, 31 minutes, goal, England, Steve Gerrard, come on England, 63 minutes, a second goal, a Rooney special match over, 2 to nil England. Wake up Stan, flashback Brazil 2014.

WAG United Diversity

The attachment to team England by WAG united (wives and girlfriends) of the England team members is a development originated from the Posh Spice, David Beckham era some would suggest, which has given the WAGs a shop window to display themselves for public consumption, if that’s the attraction. Accompanied by the Twitter, Instagram plus other outlets of the twenty first century, the need to wannabe someone in one’s mind is self delusional, but suffer we must, a sideshow to the football. “Fashion to the left, fashion to the right, ooh fashion, we are the WAG squad and we’re coming to town” no bow legged one’s please, under the Bowie rainbow, WAG United.

Highlights of the WAG fashion world, the hair of course, all lip gloss, fake eyelashes, pumped up balloons and fat sucked in the pants syndrome, “Ooh fashion”. In recent times WAG United has been led by the natural naturally looking Rooney, alongside the plumped up, supped up Rebekah Vardy of the Wayne, Jamie, taste value. The two WAGs have been fighting for the captaincy, subsequently fell out and have rebooted in the court room, following on from a proper WAG Twitter zone fall out, pathetic seemed appropriate. We matter is their mindset, an embarrassment beyond riches.

No make up required for the next turn, the Swedish bombshell at the time, Ulrika Jonsson who became the temporary G of the WAG symbol with the stilletoed Sven-Goran Eriksson, later ditched as Sven made his escape route, sharpish. Sven returned to the Italian one, Nancy Dell’Olio with a returning to the fold, Nancy had cleat designs on Sven’s riches, was enriched himself with riches, but not in monetary terms, with the FA’s secretary. The list can go on with WAG United who pose for the flashing camera lights, I much prefer the flashing lights of England lifting the World Cup, come on England.

The Pundits

Not such a doddle for the former England manager Glenn Hoddle who referred to Algeria as Al Jazeera (The Arabic Sports channel) perhaps too many Brazilian nuts for Glenn!

The broken English tones of the former World Cup winning captain, the Italian Fabio Cannavaro could have been directed at an Arabic channel with a mish mash of non-understanding, lost in translation syndrome. As for the elegantly dressed Thierry Henry who seemed intent on posing for the imaginary floor mirror instead of doing what all good strikers should do, look down the eye of the barrel, the camera of course!

The late arrival at the World Cup of the much lorded Alan Hansen was clearly evident as the cameras rolled in awe of the Scot’s one, that seemed to be the feeling, led us his usual round of old stained rhetoric. One pundit who would have broken the Brazilian ‘nuts’ is the ever excitable Ian Wright who kept referring to Glen Hoddle as the Governor. Next came another late arrival in Martin O’Neill whose midlife rattiness became apparent, as Martin seemed intent on displaying his coaching theme to a fellow pundit, Fabio of course, “come on you upstart” blurted Martin, which followed later with a withering attack on Louis Van Gaal, “He thinks he invented the game, I was using his tactics years ago”, perhaps Martin invented the game, the 2014 pundits in game for a laugh. Did you know that the former England manager Fabio Capello would refer to goalkeeper Joe Hart as John, perhaps at this time pre 2014 ‘Cabbio Capello’ would have been more befitting for Fabio, taxi for Cabbio. An extra recipe was added with the self indulged brown nosing, with brief highlights of a resident pundit’s career was an extra recipe on the television menus, perhaps one for Nigella Lawson in this passage of time, maybe not, the white variety became Nigella’s forte. Of interest for Fabio perhaps might have been the aptly named, the Columbian, Santiago Arias, could be termed as Santiago A—e, any takers? The Brazilian World Cup signalled the end of the Spanish Armada and their dominance, all chilled out defeat sent Spain packing, followed some two years later, the English one, Roy Hodgson suffered the same fate. Memories well served.

The Shearer Connection

BBC viewers were perplexed following England’s 2-0 win over Tunisia in the 1998 World Cup when Alan Shearer was being interviewed in the tunnel of Marseille’s velodrome stadium. Shearer was excluded from appearing on the screen with viewers only able to listen to the Shear’s voice, but a visible Shearer had reached onto other networks, Alan had positioned himself in such a way that his head was covering them of a large Marseille sign, while the ‘ille’ was out of shot, therefore ensuring that a four letter word was left protruding above Shearer’s head as depicted below.

The airwaves became wind trapped, open holed to other TV networks, I should imagine Shearer felt like being swallowed up a big hole to the sounds of the toon, aye Shearer aye.